Sometimes my journals scare me

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”~Confuscius, Chinese philosopher

There are years that wretch my stomach; this journal reflects one of them.

I’m flipping through old journals for material to continue my Coffeeshop Chronicles over at Deadwood Writers Voices, my writers group’s blog. My recent, completed journals are on the top shelf of my bookcase. You can see them on my current blog header above. I grabbed one today off my bookcase. I’d hoped to find exhilarating coffee confrontations in it, as that was a time I was journaling heavily. It was instead a time of venting and ranting about my miserable job.  A lot of venting.  A lot of ranting. A lot of miserable.

I twitch in my skin thinking about it. Have you ever felt that? I don’t want to remember those feelings; they were bad enough the first time. The most poignant line I wrote was this one:

“I don’t want to goto bed. The sooner I sleep, the sooner I wake up and goto a job I don’t want to goto. If I just stay awake….”

In this case, I can’t completely blame the company, although I want to. The fault is theirs by creating the unfriendly and volatile environment. However, I stayed and allowed it to affect me. Regardless of any external situations, I had choices, and I didn’t make the ones I wanted to.

Oh, I can put any positive spin on it I want: The past made me what I am today; I’ve moved beyond and life is better; I’m a stronger person for the experience; I’ve grown to recognize I’ll never let that happen again.  Whatever. That’s all true, but old memories still hurt.

I’ve reread these pages…must be five times now, gawking at those car wreck feelings on the side of the road. Each reading gets a little softer but I still feel the hollow of what happened to me and what I let happen to me. One thing that never faltered was my belief in myself:

I can’t win.
Feel so defeated
beaten, slink out of sight
but I never doubt me
——my ability
just the directions I’m given.”

I had a surprising amount of courage then, courage I still have today. Now the direction is mine, and that’s worth focusing on.

Have a good Monday, dear readers.

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2 Responses to Sometimes my journals scare me

  1. Tina says:

    “gawking at those car wreck feelings on the side of the road” is a great visual of my emotions that no one else can see! Love your writing…

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